Road to a New Normal

Well it's time for the next surgery already! Tomorrow, May 4th, I'll be starting the reconstruction process. It is a short one and I'll be home in the afternoon, which will be so much better than staying in the hospital!

I am pleased to say that I will be returning to Biola to finish both my degree and teaching credential starting in the Fall! Although it is not quite how I was hoping to finish school, I love Biola and I'm so excited to go back! My fiancé and I also decided to postpone our wedding until I finish school next Spring. A hard decision, but the best one!

I think I may have mentioned before that I am not a fan of change. I am a firm believer in routine and that change is frustrating, horrible, and unnecessary (at least for the most part). Cancer obviously changes things. It changed the pace of my life. It changed me physically and emotionally. Cancer changes you permanently. Life goes on, but it is different. It will not be the same normal that I had before I knew I had cancer. It will be a new normal.

Normal is relative, but I am a fan of having normalcy in life. Changing the normal does not come easily. It is a DIFFICULT process. But, God calls us to change. God calls us to grow, which is basically change for the better! Often times we are pushed to grow the most when we are hit with the worst. I have definitely learned that the hard way! Horrible life circumstances force you to rely on God like nothing you could ever imagine. To me that means that I overcome my nerves and anger through prayer and reminding myself that God sees my situation and has not left me alone to go through it. He allows me to experience a peace and love that comes only through knowing His perfect peace and His pursuing love.

Have you ever kicked yourself for letting a perfectly good opportunity pass you by? I definitely have. My new ontologist made a remark about how well I am dealing with the cancer. All I said was that it was easier going through it because I knew what to expect. While true, I just wanted to kick myself! God clearly swung that door wide open, and I proceeded to shut it faster than a dog chasing a squirrel. I want to be clear about the reason I am not completely sobbing and falling apart every moment of every day. Because honestly there are many times I would like to do just that.

I am able to smile and have hope in the midst of cancer because God is good. My sense of peace is rooted ONLY in the knowledge that God hears me. He hears me when I am having a great day and I thank Him. He hears me when I'm angry, crying, sobbing, and yelling. He knows my most fulfilling joys and my deepest fears. Despite all of these things, He loves me. Despite my failings in trusting Him, He loves me. His love is what holds me together every moment. That is what I wished I had said to my oncologist.

I am starting the road to my new normal. I want to keep in mind that even if I don't like what my new normal looks like, God is not concerned with how I look. God is concerned with my growth. My faith and continual growth in trusting and following Him is more important than anything else.

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble." Isaiah 33:2